


Gremlin Factory: Exposing Commander Shepard to Dangerous Mutagens

by CountDorku



Category: Monster Factory - Polygon (Web Series), She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29594589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CountDorku/pseuds/CountDorku
Summary: Entrapta and Double Trouble, hosts of the hit web seriesGremlin Factory, attempt to create a suitable monstrosity inMass Effect 2.
Relationships: Double Trouble & Entrapta (She-Ra)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 6





	Gremlin Factory: Exposing Commander Shepard to Dangerous Mutagens

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bluest_Yeehaw42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluest_Yeehaw42/gifts), [Athetos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athetos/gifts).



> Some familiarity with the Monster Factory Mass Effect 2 episode is assumed.

GREMLIN FACTORY

[The opening to _Mass Effect 2_ character creation plays. Entrapta and Double Trouble are on facecam in the corner]

 **Entrapta:** Double Trouble, we can rebuild him.

 **Double Trouble:** Who?

 **Entrapta:** I don’t know, I haven’t actually played _Mass Effect_. Shepard something.

 **Double Trouble:** Really? I will admit, darling, I’m a little surprised. It seems right up your alley. It’s in space, you can play an engineer, there are robots…

 **Entrapta:** I know, I just had…other priorities in 2007.

 **Double Trouble:** Like what?

 **Entrapta:** _Bioshock_ , _Lego Star Wars_ , _Ratchet & Clank: Tools of Destruction_, _Supreme Commander_ …

[tapping of keys]

 **Double Trouble:** It says here that you played 2000 hours of _Portal_.

 **Entrapta:** A rumour site told me there was a secret ending where you could romance GLaDOS.

 **Double Trouble:** The unhinged, science-obsessed robot? Yes, that does sound exactly like your type. Birds of a feather, and so on.

 **Entrapta:** Well, for today I’m turning in my mad roboticist hat and putting on my mad doctor hat! Just look at all this…medicine being done. It’s so medical.

 **Double Trouble:** Get me 20ccs of kyphosis stent, darling.

 **Entrapta:** That doesn’t sound right but I don’t know enough about medicine to dispute it.

 **Double Trouble:** And now you’re actually using a meme correctly! I’m so proud.

 **Entrapta:** Oh, it’s running out of medicine to do.

 **Double Trouble:** We’ve gotten a lot of requests for this one, darlings, and I’ve always been very reticent to do it, because these games don’t really allow us to _express_ ourselves in the Gremlin Factory tradition. All the options are for the face; you can’t alter the body at _all_. And even then, most of the options are pretty bland. But first, we need a name.

 **Entrapta:** …Jack?

 **Double Trouble:** That’s your best?

 **Entrapta:** No, but I somehow doubt that this game is going to let us put a ligature into that little bar.

 **Double Trouble:** How about…Truck Shepard?

 **Entrapta:** Ooh, that’s a good one.

 **Double Trouble:** Now, see, this is what I mean when I say that this character creator isn’t robust enough for our needs. Take this skin tone slider: it’s got “reasonably dark” to “very pale”. Where’s puce? Aqua? If I want to paint Commander Shepard such a vile shade of tangerine that he gets a Republican presidential nomination, darling, I should be able to do that.

 **Entrapta:** I see what you mean. This eye depth slider has “slightly recessed” to “slightly bulging” when for our purposes it should really go to “out on stalks”.

 **Double Trouble:** Or “looking out the back of the head.”

 **Entrapta:** Yes! Hmm. If we push the chin all the way _out_ , and the lips all the way _in_ , it kind of has a Man in the Moon feel to it?

 **Double Trouble:** What can we do with the nose, darling? Because if we can bend it like _this_ …

[They transform]

 **Entrapta:** Good thinking, let’s see what we…can…do!

 **Double Trouble:** Maybe put the lips up a little higher? Or a lot higher?

 **Entrapta:** There we go. And oh, this hair…

 **Double Trouble:** On the one hand, it makes sense that this career military man doesn’t have hair options more out-there than “kind of greasy”. On the other, even the NPCs get better hair options than this.

 **Entrapta:** I kind of want them to do one where you get to play as an alien so we can apply our unique approach to entirely new species.

 **Double Trouble:** If only, darling. Hmm. Well, we have wrought greater horrors, but I think we’ve been suitably creative within the restrictions we have.

 **Entrapta:** If you combine enough normal things, eventually it ends up weird. Just look at the time I built a car entirely out of Roombas.

 **Double Trouble:** If only it had been road-legal. Now, class, class…let’s go with Soldier – no, Vanguard, that’s the most absurd possible option. We’ll take the beautiful face we’ve created and just slam it directly into the enemy.

 **Entrapta:** _Mass Effect_ , a space adventure of action, romance, and guarding vans.

 **Double Trouble:** Not that kind of vanguard, darling. There really aren’t enough options in this screen either; just look at this.

 **Entrapta:** It appears to be an options menu of some kind.

 **Double Trouble:** Yes, but there are only three options. Colonist, Earthborn, Spacer. Where’s “Raised in a Bell Jar by a Mad Behavioural Psychologist with a Grudge Against Ethics Committees”?

 **Entrapta:** You’ve brought up that concept like five times so far and I’m starting to wonder if you want to talk about something.

 **Double Trouble:** No.

 **Entrapta:** Okay.

[Gameplay ensues]

 **Double Trouble:** I’m not feeling this, darling. It’s too…human, for want of a better term.

 **Entrapta:** Well, when the game doesn’t give you the tools to express yourself, you _make_ the tools!

 **Double Trouble:** You downloaded a save editor, didn’t you?

 **Entrapta:** Or _someone_ makes the tools, anyway. I was busy working on other stuff.

 **Double Trouble:** Trying to make the Range Roomba road-legal?

 **Entrapta:** Trying to make it hover.

 **Double Trouble:** Well played.

 **Entrapta:** This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in the Gremlin Factory and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

 **Double Trouble:** You know, that scene’s been kind of ruined for me since weirdos started using “red pilling” for evil-

 **Entrapta:** You picked red, we’re going.

[cut to the save editor]

 **Double Trouble:** These certainly are a lot of numbers, darling.

 **Entrapta:** These specific numbers are the ones that allow us to modify what Truck Shepard is going to look like. If the game won’t give us the sliders we want, we’ll just have to take the panel off and crank it up to 13 manually.

 **Double Trouble:** I am [transforms] _all ears_ , darling. Is there something for the ears?

 **Entrapta:** Yes, but we might get to it later. Right now I want to ease us into the experiment. We’re still going to grab each of these discrete facial variables and explode them individually at some point, but for the moment, we’re going to take it slow.

 **Double Trouble:** You just put that number up from 1 to 18.

 **Entrapta:** Yes, but only one number.

 **Double Trouble:** Do you actually know what this is going to do?

 **Entrapta:** Not a clue!

 **Double Trouble:** Oh, I _like_ it, darling. Adds a nice little _thrill_ of suspense to the whole procedure.

 **Entrapta:** And much cheaper than buying Magic boosters in bulk, too.

 **Double Trouble:** You said you were going to stop doing that.

 **Entrapta:** You of all people should know that words and actions are different things, Dee.

 **Double Trouble:** Touché, darling. Touché.

 **Entrapta:** Okay, let’s see what we’ve got…

[cut back to the game]

 **Double Trouble:** It appears to be some kind of pelican.

 **Entrapta:** I may have chosen the wrong place to put in the numbers.

 **Double Trouble:** No, hold on, I can manage this. [Transforms, then transforms back] I can turn into it, but it’s a little hard to talk when your mouth is physically unable to close – and you know how much I love to talk, darling.

 **Entrapta:** You know, when you think about it, this will make him a much deadlier Vanguard.

 **Double Trouble:** The extra reach from that freakish mutant chin?

 **Entrapta:** Exactly!

[cut back to the save editor]

 **Double Trouble:** Too nightmarish, too fast. We need to _build_ to it; we can’t just unleash the Pelicanguard on the world without some preparation first.

 **Entrapta:** I think if we set all the numbers in one section to be similar, that should be functionally weird without being that horrifying. _But_ …let’s go for one giant eye.

 **Double Trouble:** Let’s throw these dice and see if they come up human.

[cut back to the game]

 **Entrapta:** Do you ever actually win at dice games?

 **Double Trouble:** Darling, you’ve said in past that imperfection is beautiful. By that metric this is Helen of Troy. This is the face that launched a thousand ships, at once, by just taking that ludicrously overextended cheek and pressing it against all their sterns simultaneously.

 **Entrapta:** Don’t worry! I will stab that mech to death with my jaw!

 **Double Trouble:** I may skip on attempting this one just because I can’t set any part of my face to _infinity_ – beauty notwithstanding, of course. And oops, I think we just impaled Jacob.

[save editor]

 **Double Trouble:** We’ve probably raised some eyebrows today, darling, so let’s raise some more. I want to see if it’s possible to raise them until they’re literally not connected to the rest of Truck Shepard’s body.

 **Entrapta:** Would that work?

 **Double Trouble:** We managed it with the eye, didn’t we?

 **Entrapta:** That’s a good point. Okay, I think if we change _this_ one and _this_ one, we might be able to have them floating around the head, like the face’s wingmen. I’m just going to make a few tiny tweaks, fine detail adjustments…

[cut back to the game]

 **Double Trouble:** Darling, I have stolen, manipulated, swindled, deceived and on one occasion been forced to resort to cannibalism, but I don’t think I’ve ever done anything so cruel as what we’ve just done to Truck Shepard.

 **Entrapta:** It’s not that bad.

 **Double Trouble:** It looks like a pig made sweet love to one of those foot measuring things they use in shoe shops.

 **Entrapta:** Which, compared to some of the things we’ve done, is not that bad – no, you’re right, it is that bad.

 **Double Trouble:** I mean, look at this. [Transforms] It’s nightmare fuel, darling, is what it is.

 **Entrapta:** Not so much “step on me” energy as “I feel like I have already stepped on you” energy.

 **Double Trouble:** [transforms back] This thing isn’t going to save the universe from the Reapers, darling. It can barely breathe, trust me on this.

[save editor]

 **Entrapta:** Let’s try a little extra head size.

 **Double Trouble:** Good thinking, darling. A wider canvas should allow us more freedom with our brushstrokes.

 **Entrapta:** I also want to tinker with the eyes a little bit, get them _juuuuust_ right.

 **Double Trouble:** You know, if we set aside enough time and had the patience, we could in theory adjust this until it produces a perfect duplicate of Nicolas Cage.

 **Entrapta:** I’m surprised we haven’t already managed it, to be honest.

 **Double Trouble:** [transforms] Put the bunny back in the box.

[cut back to the game]

 **Entrapta:** Well, good news, bad news. The bad news is, it doesn’t look like Nicolas Cage.

 **Double Trouble:** Darling, what about this could possibly be good news?

 **Entrapta:** Well, since it looks like he’s wearing a giant mascot head, he might look like Nicolas Cage when you take it off.

 **Double Trouble:** I’ve seen smaller-scaled heads in Gary Larson comics.

 **Entrapta:** The head size seems to have nullified all the other changes.

 **Double Trouble:** No long-term appeal at all. [transforms] I mean, look at it.

 **Entrapta:** Finally, your head is to scale with your ego!

[save editor]

 **Double Trouble:** I’m tired of playing it safe, darling. Let’s just go for broke.

 **Entrapta:** As in go for a broken game?

 **Double Trouble:** If the HUD doesn’t spontaneously disappear rather than associate with us, we failed somewhere.

 **Entrapta:** I like it. Let’s see…give me some numbers, and I’ll throw a 22 in at random, and that’ll be your baby.

 **Double Trouble:** Tempting though it is to put 69 in somewhere, let’s go with…7. 13. 24. 3. 1.

 **Entrapta:** One of those is “Head Base”, which could be…problematic.

[game]

 **Double Trouble:** Well, the head is still big – oh. Oh God.

 **Entrapta:** “Parent, don’t you love me?”

 **Double Trouble:** The responsible way of parenting that thing is to set it out on a hill in ancient Greece and hope the wolves arrive…although I’m not sure they could eat it.

 **Entrapta:** I am…kind of curious what those eyes are doing.

 **Double Trouble:** Truck, please, give the man some space. There’s no need to try and eat his face.

 **Entrapta:** I want to try and push ahead, but the camera work is…it isn’t really optimised for this, so I’d like to make a few adjustments, if that’s okay.

 **Double Trouble:** Oh, be my guest, darling - [save editor, then back to game] – _what did you do._

 **Entrapta:** I…was not expecting this.

 **Double Trouble:** This looks like someone crashed a spaceship into Jar Jar Binks’s face.

 **Entrapta:** I don’t know _how_ the free-floating hair is the worst part. It just is.

[save editor, then back to game]

 **Double Trouble:** Are the only settings we have for this head “too big” and “disconcertingly small”?

 **Entrapta:** Don’t forget “wrong shape”.

 **Double Trouble:** I feel sure a therapist would tell me differently.

[save editor]

 **Entrapta:** We’re still taking this too carefully. Go big, or go home.

 **Double Trouble:** We went big twice, darling. Don’t force me to go home just yet.

[gameplay]

 **Entrapta:** Okay, this is…survivable.

 **Double Trouble:** We should probably still not do too much, just in case lengthy exposure is carcinogenic.

 **Entrapta:** Oh, agreed. At least this one has, you know, facial features?

 **Double Trouble:** I like the single horn.

 **Entrapta:** I think it’s sprouted another fin, though.

 **Double Trouble:** …One more change, darling. One more. Let’s take this _all the way_.

[save editor]

 **Entrapta:** Point me at a number and we’ll see what happens.

 **Double Trouble:** I think we can take this to the limit, darling. See if you can make his head into an asterisk.

 **Entrapta:** So, you looked at…Truck…and went, “Let’s try and do _more_.”

 **Double Trouble:** What can I say, darling? I want the _best_ nightmare fuel. I want the _ultimate_ product of the Gremlin Factory.

 **Entrapta:** …One asterisk-shaped head, coming up. This…may end badly.

[game]

 **Entrapta:** Oh no.

 **Double Trouble:** …

 **Entrapta:** Oh _no_.

 **Double Trouble:** …

 **Entrapta:** It really feels like at this stage, the game should just crash rather than continue trying to process whatever this is.

 **Double Trouble:** Every new angle makes this more of a war crime.

 **Entrapta:** This is modelled using, like, the math from Lovecraft that lets you walk through walls into pocket dimensions.

 **Double Trouble:** The game should just auto-apply this to all human NPCs and turn this whole thing into a hellfest. Nobody looks human, nobody even looks humanlike, the Illusive Man’s face just gradually implodes while you watch.

 **Entrapta:** Jacob gets a two-second glimpse of you and all his dialogue from then on is just about the heat death of the universe.

 **Double Trouble:** It’s mutating before our eyes, it didn’t have a nostril there before. We need to kill it before it spreads.

 **Entrapta:** I mean, if you ever run Ravenloft, you now have a new look for mind flayers.

 **Double Trouble:** I feel like my mind is being flayed already.

 **Entrapta:** This is Truck Shepard. It could not be rated.

 **Double Trouble:** It could barely be _observed_ , how could we rate it, darlings?

 **Entrapta:** I’m pulling the plug. The actual physical plug. I’m afraid if we just turn off, it might get out-

**Author's Note:**

> I know it doesn't make any sense and I don't care.


End file.
